Dear Dr. Emma,
I am the wife of a veteran. I watched him sacrifice for and serve our country. As the current president takes a wrecking ball to the VA and to our Constitution, I am angry all the time. I am angry that he is disrespecting our military and veterans. I am angry that he doesn't care if he follows the basic laws of our country. I am angry seeing our allies being disrespected because I know that they served alongside my husband. How do I deal with my anger when nothing feels like it is getting better?
-- WTAF
Dear WTAF,
I selected your question for two reasons. One, it feels so deeply relatable. Two, you were brave enough to say the quiet part out loud. You mentioned that you’re the wife of a veteran, and from the context of your letter, I gather that you were together during the time of his military service. You didn’t just watch him serve and sacrifice for our country; that service and sacrifice are part of your own story as well. Military life is, after all, a family business.
Anger has a bad reputation. It’s often mistaken for violence, selfishness or immaturity. But in my experience as a trauma therapist and someone who has walked alongside military families, I see anger as a sign of health. While I don’t revel in your pain, I feel a deep gratitude for your body’s honest response. Anger means we care. It means we know our values and can sense when they’ve been violated.
Reading your letter reminded me of this quote: “Anger is a fuel. You need fuel to launch a rocket. But if all you have is fuel without any complex internal mechanism directing it, you don't have a rocket. You have a bomb.” Anger is a secondary emotion, something that rises up in response to a deeper wound. When listened to with curiosity instead of fear, anger becomes a map. It points us to the places where our boundaries have been crossed, our needs neglected or our loyalty betrayed.
Anger isn’t the enemy of love; it’s often love in armor. The part of you that got hurt or feels unseen is asking for protection. Let anger guide you, not as a weapon, but as a messenger. You are allowed to be tender and pissed off at the same time.
What part of you got hurt?
You might know, but on the off-chance that you don’t, let me offer a theory.
When people ask me about my time as a mental-health provider and civilian staff officer embedded with the Marine Corps, they’re often surprised to hear me describe service members as optimistic. Yes, even the grumpiest and saltiest among them. They weren’t optimistic in the butterflies-and-rainbows sense. It was something deeper. It showed up in the form of reenlistments and in defiant hope that this next deployment, this next commander, this next mission might be different.
I recently finished Florence Williams’ new book, Heartbreak, in which she describes heartbreak and betrayal as attachment injuries. She traces the linguistic roots of the word betrayal as coming from a French word meaning “to hand over.” Betrayal, she writes, is a kind of “uprooting of trust; an undoing of the truths you once believed that may lie at the core of your social identity.”
Few things are more painful than betrayal, and I don’t think we’ve adequately acknowledged the layers of betrayal our military and veteran communities have endured over the past 25 years.
Mold in the barracks and base housing? We’re at war! Resources must go to the mission first.
Food insecurity for enlisted families? They just spend their money on DoorDash and live beyond their means.
Fallujah, Mosul and Ramadi falling back into the hands of extremists? The people who live there had to want it, too.
The withdrawal from Afghanistan? Hard calls had to be made. Sometimes those calls don’t work out.
I don’t say this to diminish these new assaults on military families and the veteran community but rather to contextualize them. The betrayals you named in your letter didn’t appear out of nowhere; they’re part of a long line. In all those earlier moments, the mythos held. We believed, or at least hoped, that our leadership -- our commander in chief, Congress, secretary of defense, the top brass down to our loved ones' company commanders -- cared.
Now, that belief feels like it’s unraveling for you. And for good reason.
We’ve watched thousands of veterans -- many of whom transitioned into federal service -- suddenly lose their jobs, their careers cut short without warning or recourse.
We’ve watched essential programs slashed, programs designed to help veterans navigate the long tail of war: service-connected injuries, chronic pain, mental-health care and the financial instability that often follows them home.
We’ve watched the safety of our deployed service members casually compromised, sensitive combat-related movements treated with the same discretion as a social media post.
We’ve watched our military academies stripped of historical materials and intellectual resources vital to cultivating critical thinking, leadership and moral courage in the next generation.
If you weren’t angry before, it makes perfect sense why you are now.
Let’s talk about what to do with it.
The good news is that you don’t need to act on your anger to honor it. Start by letting it speak. What does it want you to know? Where does it live in your body? Is it sharp, hot, tight? Does it have a story to tell? Write it down. Whisper it in the shower. Rage into a pillow if you need to. Give it space to breathe without demanding that it behave.
When that first heat burns off, see what’s underneath. Beneath the fire, there’s often pain. And beneath the pain, there’s longing for justice, for care, for meaning or maybe something else entirely.
You asked how to deal with your anger when nothing feels like it’s getting better. I can’t promise that everything will. But I can say this: Anger can become something more than heat. It can become clarity. It can become courage. It can become action.
What does action look like when you're not in a position to change the whole system overnight?
It might look like writing op-eds or letters to the editor and offering a military family’s perspective that others don’t always get to hear. People still seem to hold an antiquated image of what military and veteran families look like and believe. By lending your voice, you can help shift that narrative to something more reflective of your community.
It might look like joining a veteran or military family advocacy group or volunteering with one, such as Secure Families Initiative or Military Family Advisory Network. You have so much experience and strength to share.
It might look like donating time or money to organizations filling the gaps the system has left behind: mutual aid, food banks, legal defense funds for veterans or those helping process VA claims.
It might look like talking with other spouses, naming what’s happening out loud and refusing to be gaslit by narratives from those who have never walked a day in this life.
It might look like emailing or calling your representatives and senators every single week until someone responds and then sharing that script with other advocates.
It might even look like starting something new -- something that lets you reclaim agency and reminds you that the story doesn’t end with betrayal.
And it also might look like rest. Like joy. Like reclaiming your weekends or saying no to things that drain you. Anger can be righteous and still leave room for beauty. Holding your family close, planting a garden and dancing in your kitchen are acts of resistance, too.
Let your anger speak -- but don’t let it speak alone. You don’t have to hold this by yourself. You are not the only one who feels this way.
Off the clock but always in your corner,
Dr. Emma
The content shared in this column is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute clinical advice or create a therapist-client relationship. If you are in need of mental-health support, please reach out to a licensed professional in your area.
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